"A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle." (KJV)
This verse speaks to the power of offense in relationships and how difficult it can be to restore harmony once trust has been broken. In this sermon, we will delve into the meaning of the verse, how it applies to our lives today, and the lessons we can learn about reconciliation, forgiveness, and the deep impact of offense on our relationships.
Sermon: "Healing the Breach: Overcoming Offense in Our Relationships"
Introduction
Good morning, brothers and sisters in Christ. Today, we’re going to look at a profound and challenging verse from the book of Proverbs, a book full of wisdom for living a righteous and fulfilled life. Proverbs 18:19 offers us a stark warning about the difficulty of restoring a relationship once it has been damaged by offense. It reads:
A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.
At first glance, this might seem like just another proverb about conflict resolution, but there is much more to this passage than meets the eye. We’re going to unpack the deep truths in this verse and explore how offense can fracture our relationships, the challenges of healing, and how we, as followers of Christ, can approach reconciliation.
I. The Power of Offense in Relationships
The first thing to understand about this verse is the intense power of offense. The Bible speaks often about forgiveness and reconciliation because the natural human tendency is to hold on to hurt and offense. When someone offends us, especially someone we care deeply about, that offense can linger like a festering wound. It’s not just a matter of words or actions; it cuts deep into the heart of the relationship.
In Proverbs 18:19, a “brother” is used as an example of a close relationship. It could be a biological brother, but it could also represent any close friend, a spouse, or a fellow believer—someone who is close enough to hurt us when trust is broken. When such a person offends us, it’s not easily forgotten. The walls go up, and the emotional distance grows.
The verse tells us that a brother who has been offended is harder to be won than a strong city. What is a strong city? A strong city is one that is fortified, well-protected, and difficult to breach. In ancient times, cities were surrounded by walls for protection, and breaking through those walls was a significant challenge. The comparison here tells us how deep and difficult it is to restore a relationship that has been damaged by offense.
II. The Nature of Contentions
The second part of the verse speaks of contentions being like the bars of a castle. The word "contentions" refers to disputes, quarrels, and strife. When we hold onto offense, we build barriers—emotional walls that separate us from the person who hurt us. These walls are not always visible, but they can be as real as the physical bars of a prison. They prevent us from reconciling, from moving forward, and from finding peace with that person.
Jesus taught us the importance of reconciliation in Matthew 5:23-24. He said:
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."
Jesus highlights that reconciliation is more important than ritual or external religious acts. It is a matter of the heart. Holding onto offense makes it difficult, if not impossible, to worship God freely. The emotional and spiritual weight of unresolved conflict interferes with our relationship with God.
When we hold onto offense, we often find ourselves in a cycle of bitterness, anger, and resentment. These emotions can easily become the "bars" that lock us in a prison of our own making. The more we argue, hold grudges, or avoid the person who has offended us, the more entrenched the division becomes. And what started as a small issue can grow into a fortress of unforgiveness, creating separation that is harder and harder to break down.
III. The Challenge of Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Forgiveness is not easy. When we are hurt, we want justice. We want to be right. But as followers of Christ, we are called to rise above these feelings and offer forgiveness, just as Christ forgave us. Ephesians 4:32 urges us:
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It requires humility and a willingness to let go of the offense, even if the other person has not apologized. Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the wrong done to us or that we forget about it. It means that we choose to release the other person from our judgment and allow God to deal with the situation.
This is where the real challenge lies. Our natural response to offense is to protect ourselves. We want to build those emotional walls, to distance ourselves, and to keep the offender at arm’s length. But God calls us to take a different approach. He calls us to be agents of reconciliation, not division. He calls us to break down the bars of contention, to tear down the walls of bitterness, and to restore the relationship.
In 2 Corinthians 5:18, Paul writes:
"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation."
Just as Christ reconciled us to God through His death and resurrection, we are called to reconcile with one another. It is not an easy task, but it is an essential part of our Christian walk. We are called to forgive because God has forgiven us. We are called to love because God has loved us.
IV. The Rewards of Reconciliation
Though the process of reconciliation is difficult, the rewards are immeasurable. Healing, peace, and restored relationships are the fruits of forgiving and reconciling with those who have offended us.
Jesus Himself is our greatest example. When He was on the cross, He prayed for those who were crucifying Him:
"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34)
In this moment of great suffering, Jesus chose forgiveness over bitterness, reconciliation over division. He didn’t let the offense of others keep Him from fulfilling His mission of love and salvation. We, too, are called to follow His example.
When we choose to forgive and reconcile, we free ourselves from the burden of offense. We allow God to heal our hearts, and we open the door for restored relationships. The walls that once separated us from others are torn down, and the relationship is made whole again.
V. Practical Steps for Overcoming Offense
So, how do we begin to break down the strong city of offense and overcome the bars of contention in our own lives? Here are a few practical steps:
Acknowledge the Offense – Don’t ignore your feelings. Recognize when you’ve been hurt and allow yourself to feel the pain. But don’t let that pain define you. Bring it to God and ask for healing.
Pray for the Offender – This is one of the most powerful ways to break the power of offense. Jesus taught us to pray for those who hurt us, and in doing so, we release them from our judgment and allow God to work in their lives.
Seek Reconciliation – If possible, approach the person who has offended you and have an honest conversation. Be humble and willing to listen. Don’t approach the situation with accusations, but with a heart of reconciliation.
Let Go of the Right to Be Right – Sometimes, it’s not about winning the argument or proving the other person wrong. It’s about restoring peace and unity. Let go of the desire to be vindicated and embrace the power of forgiveness.
Trust God with the Outcome – Ultimately, reconciliation is in God’s hands. We can do our part, but the results are in His hands. Trust Him to work in both your heart and the heart of the other person.
Conclusion
Proverbs 18:19 reminds us that offense is a powerful force that can divide us from one another. A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and their contentions are like the bars of a castle. But as followers of Christ, we are called to overcome offense with the power of forgiveness. Just as God reconciled us to Himself, we are called to reconcile with one another. Let us tear down the walls of bitterness and strife, and build bridges of peace and love.
May God give us the strength and grace to forgive as He has forgiven us, to restore relationships, and to live in harmony with one another. Amen.